Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Secret is out - I Exist.

On January 17, at 7:20pm I got this message:

Hi, I am [Child2]. Evidently, you are my little sister. I wanted to send a note just to introduce myself. I'm still a little shocked over everything, but would love to get to know you. I'm at a loss for words at the moment, but I didn't want you to think that I'd be angry or anything. I'd be happy to call you my sister...
It was the beginning of many such messages.  A day later other sisters, Child1, Child4, then Child3 sent me similar words.  Then a stream of nieces and nephews.  I was living the adoptee dream.  They were looking through my Facebook pictures, gaining what little insight into my character that they could and telling me I was worthy of their acceptance.

Being worthy.. that's so important to an adoptee.  When acceptance doesn't happen we like to tell ourselves that it isn't about us.  We try to affirm that this is not a reflection of who we are as human beings.  We even seek help from our support groups and loved ones around us.  Convincing our hearts that there isn't something so fundamentally wrong with us that our own family doesn't want us is the toughest battle we will ever face.  Not all of us win that battle.  Not really.  We learn to fake it. We learn to laugh it off, brush it off and live it off, but the smallest little reminder drives us right back into that abandoned building we feel like we came from.  Even after the huge reception I received, I still hear the creaking hinges behind me, reminding me that it is still possible to be stuck in there again.

On the same night, L called me and we talked for 4 hours.  It was a heartwarming, uncomfortable, crazy conversation that I was afraid to end.  His voice was more soothing than I imagined, and his words had a rhythm to them that was almost lyrical.  Sometimes he would say things and I imagined he practiced that part in his head a few times, because it was a beautiful delivery.  I thought it was strange of me to pay attention to these things, but a couple days later, I went to see my newborn grandson and I watched him listen to me sing to him.  That's what children do.  I may be an adult, but in that moment, I was no different than any other child.

Over the last few days, I have interacted with my sisters, niblings and D through Facebook.  It has been a fascinating adventure discovering similarities and sorting out personalities.  We are all in a honeymoon stage of the relationship, where everything is brand new and exciting.  I see glimpses of myself and my children in them and I want to feel warm and cozy in this soft blanket of relatives.  I know they can't be this perfect and wonderful forever, but I am just going to enjoy this perfection for what it is as long as it is this way.  It's what you do when you bring a newborn home.  It's what you do in a marriage.  It's what you do with family.

Without my mother or my grandmother, I was merely a legal issue to my maternal family.  Where do we put her?  How much is that going to cost?  Are we still obligated to buy her a Christmas present? Do we name her children in the obituary?  Does she qualify as a child, or a grandchild in the will?  Is she considered one of us? Or is she considered someone else's kid because she lived in foster homes? It always felt like I was trying to stake a claim in a family I never belonged in.  If I stopped trying, it was disloyal and ungrateful.  If I continued to push to have these relationships, I had to squeeze my round self into that square hole.  It seemed like an endless cycle until my grandfather died and the estate was settled.  After that, all but one cousin just stopped talking to me.  I am nothing.  I no longer exist.  In truth, to them, I only existed on paper.

I can't be a legal issue for L and his family.  I was legally adopted and cannot inherit anything according to the law.  The only reason any of them have for speaking to me is because they want to. This is my tribe. These are my people. I am built like them.  I think like them.  I love like them. Everything about me that made me an outcast in my mothers world fits in my fathers world.  My inner shield maiden is screaming "Do Not Believe That This Will Last!" while that little 4 year old girl makes a nest so she can finally lay her heart to rest.  I can exist here.

I am still very afraid of L even though I have no reason to be.  Since our conversation I have chatted to everyone but him.  I don't know what to call him.  I don't know how to approach him.  I don't know how to be a daughter to him.  I don't know what I am supposed to do now.

What do daughters that exist do?

Friday, January 8, 2016

Mom Mysteries

L could call any day now according to the schedule I told him I was going to have.  It makes my stomach queasy just thinking about it.  It isn't that I don't want to talk to him.  It is that I am so nervous about talking to him that my stomach boils to the back of my throat.  I am scared I am going to say something stupid that will make him hate me.  I am scared I won't say enough and it will be horribly awkward.  You would think a girl who spent years in the telephone business would be better at this.
I was younger than this when my mother died
Up to this point, I have avoided asking questions about my mother.  The first message he sent me said:
 I remember your Mother I saw her 1965. It was not a romantic relationship and I was cheating on my present my wife and I told her then.
All of the questions I had about her fell to the wayside.  I didn't have the guts to ask him anything more about her.  Maybe I felt like his wife was watching over his shoulder and I thought it rude to ask questions.  Maybe I felt like it was an indiscretion he did not want to relive.  Maybe it hurt my feelings that it meant my mother did not get meaningful love no matter where she turned, and that was too difficult for me to handle at the time.  I changed my line of questions to focus on him and I haven't asked a single thing about her.

There are so many unanswered questions about my mother.  I have asked everyone that I knew to ask and have come up with little to no return on them.  In the DNA/Adoption support groups they recommend that adoptees write down their questions and leave room to jot down notes while they talk.  This seems like very good advice.  Between the nervous jitters and my genuine fear that this may be the last chance I get to speak to this man - I am bound to forget something or leave something out that he may be able to answer.

My mother lived in Stanfield, Oregon prior to going to Portland, Oregon.  Some say she ran away from home.  Others say she went to attend school.  I don't know what she was doing nearly 4 hours away from home.  I know that this is where I was conceived and this is where she died.

Why was she there?  Was she working?  Was she going to school?

L says he could not be sure that he was the father.  It sounds like she had more than one lover at the time.  Does he know this for sure? or was he guessing?   L says that after he demanded a paternity test he never heard from my mother again.  This has several possible explanations starting with he either ticked my mother off, or he ticked my grandmother off when she heard about it.

My Grandparents adopted me so no one could ever come take me away from them.  I am not sure how I knew, but I always knew "no one" was L.  They were so dead set against him that they told me I didn't have a father and to just stop asking questions about someone that didn't exist.  He might have ticked my mother off first, but he ticked my grandmother off last.  His name was not spoken in my presence.  Now that I know what it is, I can assure you it was completely foreign the first time I saw it.  She won that war until November 27, 2015.

In my post: The Story on Paper I mentioned that my grandmother hid me away because she was afraid he might come to Stanfield.  I need to ask if there were any mutual friends between L and my mother.  Did he know she died?  How did he find out?  Did he know the minister that owned the house she died in?  Did he know the boy who killed her?  I would like to know if there was any way my grandmother could keep tabs on him.

Why is any of this important?

The short answer is "I don't know, but it is."  The long answer is that I have spent an entire lifetime identifying as a copy of her.  I don't think I am an exact copy, but I am enough like her.  People loved to hold me up to some standard that she set in "very quiet and very smart," and held it against me when they wanted to frighten me into "behaving" around males.  I grew up making up stories in my head about her life and her death to try to figure out who I was.  I needed her to be something good so I could believe I was good.  I think everyone does that.  My own kids do that.

I want to ask him where he met her, how long they had an affair, why he was attracted to her, why was she attracted to him?  I am content with the thought that they didn't love each other.  She 19 years and 12 days when she gave birth.  He was 25 and married.  It was 1965.  Was he aware of how she felt about him?

I am afraid to identify myself with him.

If I have a single nameable fear, it is identifying with him.  He is the nameless, the faceless and the loveless.  It isn't about forgiveness or letting go of resentment.  It is that identity that scares me.  I am afraid I will disappear once I claim him, because she is already gone and I am barely a representative of who she was.  If I start replacing my characteristics that were always said to be hers, with his, then I risk losing myself to becoming "no one."  I know that is much too deep for anyone to go, but these are the things that drift through my mind.  I raised my kids to be her legacy.  I don't think they see themselves that way.  None of her descendants would be defined by anyone but themselves.  That was my contribution. It was hell trying to prove I was worth wielding her face.  (I look a lot like her)

A dead mother and a dead grandmother saved me

It is easy to get into trouble when you are young.  It is even easier to get into trouble when one lives in the middle of the wrong side of the tracks.  I lived there.  There were drugs and booze and all kinds of troubled expectations from a girl in that place.  My only safety net was the belief that my mother and my grandmother followed me around like ghosts.  They watched every move I made.  I believe that made me be a better person than most people thought I was.  At the end of the day I could look into the mirror and believe they would be ok, if not pleased, with who I was.  I gave them as few reasons as possible to abandon me to lost hope.  There was no one and nothing else to cling to.  I know that now.  At the time, it was my mission to finish their work.  In many ways, I still strive for that goal.

Where does L fit into that?  I feel like I have gone renegade.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

He wants to hear my voice..

L and I have been exchanging information about his illegitimate birth.  It is ironic that he is in much the same boat I am in with my mother.  His father died when he was very young and he spent his whole life wondering what it might have been like to have him as a father.  He didn't say that, but I know.  I know because he's doing everything he can to find out as much as he can, to include getting a DNA test done.  He wants to find relatives.  I can relate to this!  I know this desperation.

My Dearest Daughter Anna, I am so glad I found you

That is how he started his last email.  I started crying.  My inner shield maiden shouted "Do not let this distract you from the battle!" and  that little girl who sits in my head said "Maybe he is for real.  Maybe I could be a Dearest Daughter to him.."  The conflict made me dizzy.  I couldn't even concentrate on what he was saying.  I read words, but each was an island and didn't interact with each other to have meaning.  My husband asked if I was ok and I couldn't explain what was happening on the inside of me.  How do I explain this?

Rejection is easy.  

I am familiar with rejection.  They tell me all the reasons they can't love me.  I tell them it is their loss in very polite words.  They feel smug because they don't believe they are losing.  I go lick my wounds over some dishes so no one can see me cry.  Then I dive deep into a project that requires concentration so I stop thinking about rejection.  I post lots of pictures on Facebook because there are lots of people who "like" me there.  If the first project doesn't make me stop thinking about rejection, I dive into an even more complicated project to reinforce the habit.  I am so good at rejection that I do it on autopilot.  And this explains why I know how to plaster walls, bake, sew, crochet, draw, paint, quilt, decipher DNA results, knit and a multitude of other ridiculous skills I have forgotten about.  Some people think I am creative.  Nope.  I am just a reject junkie who uses Youtube like an alcoholic beverage.  I get drunk on creative chaos for a while and then wean myself off to reenter real life.

I want him to love me.  I want to love him back.

That little girl inside my head is winning this argument.  She hasn't been loved unconditionally, by a living human parent figure, since she was eight years old.  She believes in miracles and she has been really patient.  Dearest Daughter.  When was the last time she was anyone's daughter?  Really a daughter.  Not just a temporary verbal kindness handed out like a cookie for good behavior.  It doesn't even matter that he has never kissed a boo boo or grounded me.  That little girl inside my head thinks she needs him.  She is wiggling around my Shield Maiden and ducking under the shield.  She is tugging on the spear and fighting my Shield Maiden from her unguarded rear.  She wants this so badly.

Back to reality Warrior!

I read the rest of his letter and reread it to gain clarity on dates and information regarding his conception.  His mother sounds like an interesting character and I would love to know more about her.  His father has a history that I would like to learn more about.  He was a German Catholic.  Wow!  That is not something you see every day.  L even told me some of his reflections on the events and revealed that he spoke to his nephew, but didn't reveal that he was related.  The information is very interesting and I need to correct some dates and put some notes in my family tree.

I hope to talk to you soon Just to hear your Voice. Thank you for searching for me too. I really didn’t believe your mother knew who your father was and I needed to know. I am so sorry I missed your growing up. Your Father L

He is sorry he missed me growing up.  That is not the first time he has said that.  I have been so good about skimming over those words.  My shield maiden has protected me very well all the other times.  But this time, that blasted little girl read those words and she got into the fray and started battling from behind. I feel like this little boy..

I told him he could call me anytime he wanted to and gave him my schedule and my phone number before the Shield Maiden could let out a battle cry.

How do I communicate how this feels?  Words are worthless.  I say them and they fall like nonsense out of my mouth.  I just cry.  It is the only thing that makes any sense.  I have been crying off and on for two days now.  I can't even explain why.  I might have to pull clean dishes out of the cupboards soon.