One more cigarette and I will go do this. (yes, I smoke, yes, it is a horrible habit, yes, I need to quit) I will start after I take a shower. Ok, I finished my shower so I will smoke a cigarette and then I will start. Ok I know I need to go finish sorting that pile, but I also know that if I don't do my daily maintenance on my clean areas I will lose my clean, so I will just sweep up and then I will start.
This ritual of avoidance can go on forever.. Furthermore, I will take several showers a day to repeat the process on a bad day.
I will clean up a lot of stuff as long as it isn't that thing I told myself needs done today! I am not sure what contaminate is working against me, but it seems to have an enormous hold on me. It is hard to call it a distraction because it isn't an issue of forgetting that I have that pile to clean up. I know it is there waiting for me every moment that I am avoiding it. It is obviously some acceptable excuse I have created for myself.
I have decided that, for now, I will accept my ritual of avoidance as long as I make a mental note that I am doing it. I am not going to judge it, try to eliminate it or manipulate it. I am simply going to observe it. I am still moving forward. I am making progress, so it isn't urgent that I deal with this immediately.
It could be a commitment issue, a dislike for schedules or even an issue of not wanting to take responsibility. I won't know for sure until I observe it for a while. It is kind of interesting and I toy with the idea of making a list of things I will not do today to trick myself into doing them. I will save that idea for another day.
I try not to get too hung up on finding failure in the plan. I have found that when I allow myself to do that, I get so caught up in the complexity of the plan that I lose the simple progress I make by just allowing myself to wander around cleaning. The honest truth is that any progress is good progress. Why I am working in a particular area is not as important right now as the fact that I am working on something.
I notice that I like to feed on my failures. I remind myself how many times I have tried and failed to conquer this and the next thing I know I am asking myself why I bother. I know that for some people this is a self esteem issue. I think in my case it is more a fear of failure/success. If I succeed in a room or area, I know that making progress throughout the house is the next big expectation. If I fail in a room or area then I prove the theory that I am just a born loser. I don't like either option, so I find a way to avoid doing it. The contamination in this case is losing ground. No choice is still a choice and I can site proof of that in several situations in my past.
In my more calm and rational state, I know that the fact that I keep coming back to solving this problem means I do want it bad enough to see it through. Like Edison, I have just found 10,000 ways it doesn't work.
In just a couple weeks of persistence and determination I have thrown out or given away more things that I did over the entire last year. Every day I hunt for the thing I am going to throw away. It doesn't have to be huge, but I like it to be meaningful. I get a lot of gratification out of tossing those things that I have been keeping for years because I thought I should keep them. There is a power boost from discovering that I am in charge.
