Tuesday, December 29, 2015

What now?

Christmas Bouquet with no name
L and I have exchanged a few messages.  I don't think he understands how DNA works, because he asked me how I am related to his grandfather.  He probably has no idea how adoptees and biological hunters discover their relatives.  It seemed strange to him that I have biological markers on my tree that are his relatives.

I have a feeling that when the time comes that he wants to discover information about his own father, he is going to need a lot of technical help dealing with the DNA matches.  It is a lot to wrap your head around and he isn't sure of the very basics.  If Child2 doesn't take the reins, I might help him out.  It will help both of us.

I got the most beautiful bouquet of flowers with no name on them to indicate who sent them.  We think it was L.  I lit the candles on Christmas night and we ate our dinner with them right in the middle of the table.  That is the first time anyone has ever sent me flowers for Christmas.  I have never had a family member send me flowers, except my husband.  It was a nice first.

I don't know what to expect now.  He wanted to wait until after Christmas to tell the rest of his family about me.  I don't blame him if he puts that off.  I have gone numb.  This is what I do when I expect bad things to happen.  I go emotionless.  If he contacts me, it will be nice, if he doesn't, nothing about my life will change.  "Meh.  It's whatever."  This is how I managed to roll with every punch to the gut I have ever taken.  Never let them see you wince.  If they know you have a weak spot, they will punch you there.  This goes double for emotional weakness.

They are very religious.  My experiences with highly religious people have not been good.  No one can reject you or make you feel lower than a religious person.  When they do it, they make you feel as though God himself is behind it all.  I am not just a typical sinner that can be forgiven.  I am the sin.  I can't undo my birthright.  Everyone speaks of the adulteress (who is not Mary Magdalene, by the way) that Jesus stood up for when the men wanted to stone her, but no one ever mentions any possible children that might have happened in her days of sinning.  

Deuteronomy 23:2"No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the LORD; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the LORD.

By the old testament, I cannot be a Christian.  There is no saving me or my family.  That doesn't mean I have to be a bad person.  That has always been a choice.  That has always been my choice.  No one owns me.  If God chooses my destiny, I choose how I want to get there.  It's easy to be the horrible sin.  It is much more challenging to be the nice one.

Buddhism is easier.  They say "Suffering happens."  It happens even more if you dwell on your thoughts of suffering when you are not actually suffering at the moment.  The moral of the story; check in to see if you actually need to dwell on what might or did happen more than you need to pay attention to what is currently happening.  So I had a very nice Christmas and concentrated on enjoying my family instead of wishing the family that was thousands of miles away would be able to accept me.

All but one of my kids hanging out for Christmas
All but one of my kids hanging out for Christmas

I don't have faith that L will be able to have any kind of close relationship with me.  I admit this thought is probably my own baggage being carried into the situation.  If I go by Buddhist teachings, I can only be harmed if I allow myself to hope things are different than they actually are.  This makes so much more sense to my situation than beating my head against a pearl gate I can never enter.  Begging God and Jesus to overlook a rule just this one time is a lesson in futility.  Learning to accept what is actually happening, so I can move on, is my only forward moving choice.

In Nordic mythologies every day is a battle to be fought bravely.  Now this is a philosophy I can sink my teeth into.  Women were as tough as nails and did not need a man to survive.  They were not slaves to a society that would berate them for being born with internal sex organs.  Illegitimate?  No problem.  Get your Axe and your shield and hop on that boat over there.  We have battles to win. When you die, you fight beside Odin, or you become a Valkyrie and pluck the bravest warriors from the field when they die.  Life is never without battles and death is no different.  Courage and honor were the most important characteristics before the Christians took over the North.

I think we lose the bigger message when we refuse to learn from all of the religions.  I think we lose good people when we condemn them to hell for being born.  I plan to prove that.  That is between me and God, whoever, or whatever God is.  I can't expect L to understand that.  He believes God has his hand on this.  I believe it has always been this way, because for me, the only change is that I know L's name.  L can afford to live in his world.  He is just the sinner.

"Don't hate the sinner, hate the sin."

I believe I was put on this earth to be a reset button.  My maternal family is so broken they don't even speak to each other most of the time.  When they do, it is lies or half truths and most of the time they do not trust each other.  Love is a competitive sport and only handed out as a reward for the one that wins the game.  This is most often the male child, since they get to have a head start.  No girl has won the game of approval for love.  There are consolation prizes and awards for participation, but the feeling of love, acceptance and being wanted are only given to one child per generation.

I am the hero of my story.  I am the game changer.  I threw out every rule and regulation.  I loved them all.  I am the lover of males and females, biological and not biological.  I am the mother of healthy relationships between my children.  I think L's DNA helped me out with that.  He may never be able to be anything that resembles a father to me, but he has possibly helped me be a really good mom and grandmother through genetics or epigenetics.  I don't see any examples like this on my maternal side.  I got what I really needed from him.  He owes me nothing.

Deep down, I believe in my heart that my mother and grandmother would be proud.  They would be proud of what I have done with my family.  They would be proud of what I have done with their family.  They would be proud of how I am handling L.  I have spent my whole life making reparations, through my actions, from the scorn they endured.  I am the holder of their DNA.


Post a Comment